среда, 27 июля 2022
I see a dreams about school every night since I'm fired. I see Directress, I feel danger, each time I feel like something unfair is going on but I can't do anything about it. I see my colleagues, silent and scared. After 5 days I still can't handle it.
I wake up every time with a sense like I can't let it go. It continues terror me even when I sleep.
BTW I have a lot of things to do but I procrastinate a lot. Started to smoke again after a month gap (I could blame the school and that conflict but though I know I started because I don't have a willpower).
Talked to Dove about all of our arguing and we decided to be more tolerant to each other. It's been 4 days since we are caring and gentle to each other. Yesterday we were at aqua park and spent almost the last money. So now we are poor as a church mice and sunburned. We did a march throw on a bikes, 7 km to the aqua park and 7 km riding home.
I hope London school will pay me for july I worked there and I hope Dove will get his money for animatic in the beggining of august. Otherway we will have to exchange our dollars. I don't want to spend save money and yet starving to death isn't good idea as well
I wake up every time with a sense like I can't let it go. It continues terror me even when I sleep.
BTW I have a lot of things to do but I procrastinate a lot. Started to smoke again after a month gap (I could blame the school and that conflict but though I know I started because I don't have a willpower).
Talked to Dove about all of our arguing and we decided to be more tolerant to each other. It's been 4 days since we are caring and gentle to each other. Yesterday we were at aqua park and spent almost the last money. So now we are poor as a church mice and sunburned. We did a march throw on a bikes, 7 km to the aqua park and 7 km riding home.
I hope London school will pay me for july I worked there and I hope Dove will get his money for animatic in the beggining of august. Otherway we will have to exchange our dollars. I don't want to spend save money and yet starving to death isn't good idea as well
суббота, 23 июля 2022
Me and dove are figting every day. we don't even need a reason.
Every fucking day.
Every fucking day.
четверг, 21 июля 2022
Funny. I'm fired.
It's not even fair!
Maybe u wanna ask what I have done to loose job?
The answer is simple and stupid: I asked too many inappropriate questions. Like "Why do I have to work for free after classes if managers made a shitty schedule, when students have horseriding during the lessons in the school, so they skip classes and then I have to teach after all of my lessons?" OR "Why do I have a fine, if I was doing the thing that manager told me? Why do you call it "Халатное отношение"?" OR "Maybe it's time to buy a new computers for school? Ours don't work, it's too old"
Directress didn't like it and was offenced by simple fucking questions. Shit! I'm really mad right now!
There are so many teachers who do their job with less precision, they are late, they are not prepared, some of them don't even know russian properly! And they are still there, but I'm fired.
Aikerim said that they fire me because some students are complainig about my lessons. But it's a HUGE LIE! All students I contacted to wanted to go to my classes, to go to my activity lessons! That's a lie!
And she was saying it and looking stright into my eyes. Dirty liar. Director's relative, huh, I'm not surprised.
Today I recieved a big bunch of flowers from my students who will leave Kyrgyzstan on saturday. We took a picture and when I look at it I want to cry.
At least I followed everyone who I was interested in, so we can keep in touch now. That's the best thing I could get from this job.
Last activity lesson on this tuesday was just amazing. Rob took a guitar and we were sitting on the pavement, playing guitar and then one guy came and started to play and sing. He is a really good singer. He played "Portishead - The Rip", and now it's the song that will remind me about everything what happend this week.
I loved my job and my students.
But it's time to go further.
It's not even fair!
Maybe u wanna ask what I have done to loose job?
The answer is simple and stupid: I asked too many inappropriate questions. Like "Why do I have to work for free after classes if managers made a shitty schedule, when students have horseriding during the lessons in the school, so they skip classes and then I have to teach after all of my lessons?" OR "Why do I have a fine, if I was doing the thing that manager told me? Why do you call it "Халатное отношение"?" OR "Maybe it's time to buy a new computers for school? Ours don't work, it's too old"
Directress didn't like it and was offenced by simple fucking questions. Shit! I'm really mad right now!
There are so many teachers who do their job with less precision, they are late, they are not prepared, some of them don't even know russian properly! And they are still there, but I'm fired.
Aikerim said that they fire me because some students are complainig about my lessons. But it's a HUGE LIE! All students I contacted to wanted to go to my classes, to go to my activity lessons! That's a lie!
And she was saying it and looking stright into my eyes. Dirty liar. Director's relative, huh, I'm not surprised.
Today I recieved a big bunch of flowers from my students who will leave Kyrgyzstan on saturday. We took a picture and when I look at it I want to cry.
At least I followed everyone who I was interested in, so we can keep in touch now. That's the best thing I could get from this job.
Last activity lesson on this tuesday was just amazing. Rob took a guitar and we were sitting on the pavement, playing guitar and then one guy came and started to play and sing. He is a really good singer. He played "Portishead - The Rip", and now it's the song that will remind me about everything what happend this week.
I loved my job and my students.
But it's time to go further.
пятница, 17 июня 2022
I hate Fridays SOM FUCKING MUCH. It's 6 pm and I am not at home bc the working hours are till 17:30, and it's absolutely nothing to do at work, so I just sit and waste my FUCKING TIME. IM HUNGRY AS FUCK AND DOVE IS ILL WAITING ME AT HOME WITH MEDECINES AND FOOD. FUCK I HATE THIS LIFE I HATE THIS LIFE FUCK FUCK FUCK
четверг, 16 июня 2022
Scincerly I don't understand why do I still find Dove so extremely sexy.
How was it, kinda я хочу стать тобой чтобы спать с самой собой, чтобы хотя бы так спать с тобой
How was it, kinda я хочу стать тобой чтобы спать с самой собой, чтобы хотя бы так спать с тобой
вторник, 14 июня 2022
I didn't write anything for a LONG TIME!
My last write was 9 day before our marriage, so now we are married almost for a mounth. I don't feel like something has changed. we still make a good couple.
ofc both of us have some anger troubles, I mean that Dove is pretty much irascible and I'm passive-agressive and my heart covers with ice when I'm angry, but I think it's the thing we can cope with.
I still have lots of lessons in the school. funny, bc, I guess, students think that I'm the most funny teacher of Russian and love me very much (Im really tryin hard about the lessons), today I saw my last student Casper, and Begimai said me he misses me so very much and he was really really depressed when the administration have changed my schedule and I started to work with groups of students and not with Casper. we had nice conversation, he showed me some photos from his trip to the mountains. sometimes I think I turn him on, I felt this sexual tension when we had classes, and after my lessons he acted like a freak with Su (I think it's kinda my fault a lil bit).
btw, now I'm working on a new course of Kyrgyz literature, makin presentations end lessons every day and I'm thinking about working online and taking about 10 dollars per lesson, so I have to do a video foe a web site where I wanna work, so I need to make a plan of video and to record it. If I say im tired - I'll say nothing
But still the worst day of the week is not monday. You will not believe me, but it's true - the worst day of the week is FRIDAY. It's the day of working meeting. We have to show presentations all fucking day long and listen to our directress who thinks that everything she said is vital (spoiler, it's not, bc she keep saying it on every fkin meeting at every fkin friday). So every friday I took my IPad, my pencil and drow rats for all day long. At last time IPad was dying to the end of the day. If you show your PPT you can't just leave. You have to sit there and pretend like you are interested in watching other's PPT. It's deadly enrages.
Other aspects of the school are quite comfy, I mean I like to teach and my students love me, give me good vibes. Moreover I feel like I'm more self-confident now, I talk loudly, I laugh and don't afraid to ask stupid questions if I find smth foggy.
And I love the thing that I still love Dove, it will be a year in 2 mounth since our firs kiss and I still feel passion and I'm proud of him and I feel that I made a right choise, when I chose to be with him and not with A.
I made a right desicion, I know it.
My last write was 9 day before our marriage, so now we are married almost for a mounth. I don't feel like something has changed. we still make a good couple.
ofc both of us have some anger troubles, I mean that Dove is pretty much irascible and I'm passive-agressive and my heart covers with ice when I'm angry, but I think it's the thing we can cope with.
I still have lots of lessons in the school. funny, bc, I guess, students think that I'm the most funny teacher of Russian and love me very much (Im really tryin hard about the lessons), today I saw my last student Casper, and Begimai said me he misses me so very much and he was really really depressed when the administration have changed my schedule and I started to work with groups of students and not with Casper. we had nice conversation, he showed me some photos from his trip to the mountains. sometimes I think I turn him on, I felt this sexual tension when we had classes, and after my lessons he acted like a freak with Su (I think it's kinda my fault a lil bit).
btw, now I'm working on a new course of Kyrgyz literature, makin presentations end lessons every day and I'm thinking about working online and taking about 10 dollars per lesson, so I have to do a video foe a web site where I wanna work, so I need to make a plan of video and to record it. If I say im tired - I'll say nothing
But still the worst day of the week is not monday. You will not believe me, but it's true - the worst day of the week is FRIDAY. It's the day of working meeting. We have to show presentations all fucking day long and listen to our directress who thinks that everything she said is vital (spoiler, it's not, bc she keep saying it on every fkin meeting at every fkin friday). So every friday I took my IPad, my pencil and drow rats for all day long. At last time IPad was dying to the end of the day. If you show your PPT you can't just leave. You have to sit there and pretend like you are interested in watching other's PPT. It's deadly enrages.
Other aspects of the school are quite comfy, I mean I like to teach and my students love me, give me good vibes. Moreover I feel like I'm more self-confident now, I talk loudly, I laugh and don't afraid to ask stupid questions if I find smth foggy.
And I love the thing that I still love Dove, it will be a year in 2 mounth since our firs kiss and I still feel passion and I'm proud of him and I feel that I made a right choise, when I chose to be with him and not with A.
I made a right desicion, I know it.
среда, 11 мая 2022
Today I thought about one thing: I have never cried because of Dove. never. sometimes I was angry or even irritated. but I've never cried.
how many times I've cried because of A.? how many times I thought I don't deserve him, or that I'm too bad. how many times he fucked other women, lied about things and manipulated? the answer is - a lot. and I cried a lot. I hated myself because I thought I'm not enough. I cried about my face, my body, our relationships, sometimes I wanted to die and everything I was doing - everything was wrong
so today I thought "wow, I've never cried because of my almost-husband. is it normal? what's next? I will laugh all the time bc of his jokes or what?"
вторник, 03 мая 2022
I just loved my travel to Moscow. I loved how my roommates welcomed me home: Vasily baked a fish and bought some exceptional vine, Dove brought me my fave fruits and was so very friendly and loving.
even if I was deadly tired - this evening was just perfect. Just like morning.
I had a wonderful seggs yesterday and now Dove is searching for pc details (corpuses and monitors). I will work using my pc here very soon!
even if I was deadly tired - this evening was just perfect. Just like morning.
I had a wonderful seggs yesterday and now Dove is searching for pc details (corpuses and monitors). I will work using my pc here very soon!
воскресенье, 01 мая 2022
I'm in Domodedovo, waiting for my flight, drunk and cozy
Well, it was a very intensive and hard days off in Moscow, but I did everything I wanted to
i've met with A. (it was such a weird meeting, cause after this meeting I found out myself perplexed of why were we a couple for so long?)
Ginger wrote me and asked what was I doing and I said I'm in Moscow and she said she is in Tver and she can come to see me. It was her birthday. So we got beer and delicious food and took a bath together and talked a lot!
I've sent 3 packages to Bishkek by Sdek and spent lots of money
I have slept about 8 hours summary in to days
and the main thing: I packed a large luggage (20,9 kg) and computers are in it!
Moreover guys from Siberia asked me to comment a tournament of Dead by Daylight again 
good days are coming
воскресенье, 24 апреля 2022
when Dove wakes me he say he has a dream about our quarell. so do I.
we decided that I have to fly to Moscow next weekend to bring here our PCs, electronic piano and some clothes and to repair Dove's tablet. hope to see Bun there and say "hi, I'm ok in another country, how are you doing here?". hope to hug Polly. hope I will have time for it.
we decided that I have to fly to Moscow next weekend to bring here our PCs, electronic piano and some clothes and to repair Dove's tablet. hope to see Bun there and say "hi, I'm ok in another country, how are you doing here?". hope to hug Polly. hope I will have time for it.
суббота, 23 апреля 2022
friday was lovely, full of new people, beautiful places, smiles. I think good vibes cures me, cause today I woke up almost healthy and full of life. fixed 2 teeth, got 2 analgesic injections, made 5 fucking presentations, made a dinner and understood that I need to decide what is next. I mean everything.
Dove asked me "why are u so sad" and when I started to explain why am I so sad he fell asleep. shit, he is sitting home, watching memes, making his CV and he has time for a driving school and for hobbies. I'm so jealous and angry, I can't afford myself even 1 hour of relax and don't complain, still he complains a lot: everybody around is stupid, he is tired, he needs a new tablet and blah blah blah. hey, I don't have time to go and buy socks man, why am I in such a deep ass if I'm with u?
Im so mad right now. I don't feel any emotional support. and the emotional distance between us is so very big, it always was.
but I thought it wasn't so necessary
I spend my time to support him every moment he feels sad or lost or whatever and ofc I'm waiting the same to myself.
well, FUCK U RQ, the biggest thing that he can give u is his charming smile and couple of jokes, swallow and don't choke on it.
Im tryin so hard to be comfy, but it is a mistake. It is huge fucking mistake.
пятница, 22 апреля 2022
Yesterday was rally really tough. I had to create 3 new lessons in the evening after all of my classes. I thought I would drive crazy. I'm still sick. and I had a feeling like I'm gonna lose consciousness.
Last night we went to the amazing bar and listened some jazz music, ate ramen, I drunk a beer. we almost fought bc Dove made a reservation right next to the scene where musicians were and all people watched right on us. I felt like I'm naked and decided to go and take a sit at the bar counter. ofc Dove was sad or angry about it and said something unpleasant like "so u came here and dont wanna seat nerby me?" and "well, doesnt matter how many pairs of eyes look at u, dont be so deeply insecure", "do u come heare to look at musicians or to chill with me". omg it was so awkward. hate when people stare at me. but I know Dove loves it, he has the hysterical type, so he loves to be in the spotlight. but in a while I decided to take a seat with Dove, it wasnt that scary, cause I was sitting my back facing to people. it was ok. and ramen was nice. and good night kisses were nice too, even though I was deadly tired.
today is friday. we are planning to come to the bar again, Dove will sing and I will take some beer. incredibly but beer makes me feel better and i'm almost cured after yesterday's party.
Last night we went to the amazing bar and listened some jazz music, ate ramen, I drunk a beer. we almost fought bc Dove made a reservation right next to the scene where musicians were and all people watched right on us. I felt like I'm naked and decided to go and take a sit at the bar counter. ofc Dove was sad or angry about it and said something unpleasant like "so u came here and dont wanna seat nerby me?" and "well, doesnt matter how many pairs of eyes look at u, dont be so deeply insecure", "do u come heare to look at musicians or to chill with me". omg it was so awkward. hate when people stare at me. but I know Dove loves it, he has the hysterical type, so he loves to be in the spotlight. but in a while I decided to take a seat with Dove, it wasnt that scary, cause I was sitting my back facing to people. it was ok. and ramen was nice. and good night kisses were nice too, even though I was deadly tired.
today is friday. we are planning to come to the bar again, Dove will sing and I will take some beer. incredibly but beer makes me feel better and i'm almost cured after yesterday's party.
вторник, 19 апреля 2022
I love this exact picture of you. maybe because it reminds me of that sunny day and our mysterious chilling on the top floor of a random house in a random city where we appeared by chance. maybe because you half smiling and half tryin to be serious so I could see and beloved wrinkle of anger and beloved smile at the same time. maybe because of that hickey turning pink on your neck which has been left by one of your horny lovers and indicated that you are definitely not mine and you will never be
who are you on this picture? with this smile and wrinkle and hickey and plaid shirt? you are the reflection of my tenderness and adoration.
barely it is real you
суббота, 16 апреля 2022
have visited a dentist today. he said I have 2-3 really bad teeth, but the prices are low, so it is about 5k money.
feeling so bad. I am thinking about how many presentations I have to do by Monday and want to cry. I can't talk bc of lost voice, I hardly can raise my head or stand up, I feel I have a temperature, I feel the loss of attention. but I have to do this shit.
adult life sucks.
want to cry but have to do my responsibilities
feeling so bad. I am thinking about how many presentations I have to do by Monday and want to cry. I can't talk bc of lost voice, I hardly can raise my head or stand up, I feel I have a temperature, I feel the loss of attention. but I have to do this shit.
adult life sucks.
want to cry but have to do my responsibilities
I miss my voice so much! come back, please. I'm tired of being mute
пятница, 15 апреля 2022
I got sick. I almost lost voice, thanks god my ears aren't plugged anymore, so I can listen to music.
My english group was too big for one small me and administration of the school divided it into 2 smaller groups. so. it was pretty sad - to lost 2 girls I liked the most bc they really wanted to learn and we had a connection. they were sad to go to another teacher as well. but after their lesson they came to my class and said that they had came to the administration and asked to stay with me and the office administrator allowed. one of the girls said: "did u really think it will be easy for you to get rid of us?". that was nice.
we are having some trubles with money now and tryin to understand how can we bring our PCs here. it's harder than if we did it a month ago. but I know there are some ways. it is possible, but may not reaaly safe and cheap.
my ex have written me, I didn't expect that. I thought it is over and he doesn't want to know me anymore. the conversation wasn't long. so, I think he decided just to check if I'm still alive. but maybe I made a mistake when announced my marriage. ofc I miss him. we had been living together for 7 years, how can I just throw it away. my first real love, rent, pet, care. now I understand that it was a co-dependent relationships, when I always said the words "I love you" first, made a first steps, initiated things. maybe I just wasn't THE ONE, like his nowadays gf. doesn't matter. the thing is I have a gigabytes of photos of my past life with him. 7 years of photos and videos, our flats, our cat, our small wins, our big troubles. sheeesh, I almost cried yesterday, being sorry of my past that is over now.
My english group was too big for one small me and administration of the school divided it into 2 smaller groups. so. it was pretty sad - to lost 2 girls I liked the most bc they really wanted to learn and we had a connection. they were sad to go to another teacher as well. but after their lesson they came to my class and said that they had came to the administration and asked to stay with me and the office administrator allowed. one of the girls said: "did u really think it will be easy for you to get rid of us?". that was nice.
we are having some trubles with money now and tryin to understand how can we bring our PCs here. it's harder than if we did it a month ago. but I know there are some ways. it is possible, but may not reaaly safe and cheap.
my ex have written me, I didn't expect that. I thought it is over and he doesn't want to know me anymore. the conversation wasn't long. so, I think he decided just to check if I'm still alive. but maybe I made a mistake when announced my marriage. ofc I miss him. we had been living together for 7 years, how can I just throw it away. my first real love, rent, pet, care. now I understand that it was a co-dependent relationships, when I always said the words "I love you" first, made a first steps, initiated things. maybe I just wasn't THE ONE, like his nowadays gf. doesn't matter. the thing is I have a gigabytes of photos of my past life with him. 7 years of photos and videos, our flats, our cat, our small wins, our big troubles. sheeesh, I almost cried yesterday, being sorry of my past that is over now.
понедельник, 11 апреля 2022
that's how both of us make life decisions: Dove choose the beauty, I choose the comfy. so 2 days ago we've bought bisycles. we hit the road yesterday, had reached my job, where I had to make up some presentations.
the way to my job is cheerful. all the time you are moving down. lower and lower and lower. you don't even have to pedal, just look around and make sure there are no car on the way. but the road back is tough and difficult, bc you have to ride up. 40 minutes of rise. I thought I would die right on the halfway point. fortunately, I didn't.
at it's end my body was all sticky, wet and it was pretty hot. so I came home, took a shower and layed down exhausted. the window was open, but I didn't notice.
today I've got a plugged ears and nose, sore throat and a feeling I got sick.
sitting at school and typin this text, I just don't know how will I be able to teach 11 pupils today.
the way to my job is cheerful. all the time you are moving down. lower and lower and lower. you don't even have to pedal, just look around and make sure there are no car on the way. but the road back is tough and difficult, bc you have to ride up. 40 minutes of rise. I thought I would die right on the halfway point. fortunately, I didn't.
at it's end my body was all sticky, wet and it was pretty hot. so I came home, took a shower and layed down exhausted. the window was open, but I didn't notice.
today I've got a plugged ears and nose, sore throat and a feeling I got sick.
sitting at school and typin this text, I just don't know how will I be able to teach 11 pupils today.
воскресенье, 10 апреля 2022
last night we went to the bar. took some beer, I chatted with Lora about "women things", Dove and Vasily were starring in the phones all the time, and when we started to play "truth or dare" Dove quickly woke up and went away. I had to overtook him and asked things like "what is going on?", "why are u bored?", "how can I help?". well, he said he feels like he is loosing time and isnt enjoying the mini-party we have (except this moment when we randomly saw a Nico O.)
long story short about Nico O.: when we tried to find a new roommate bc of Lora's departure on 11th of April, Dove recieved a message from mom of Nico O. and she was writing things like her son is the best variant for us to get acquainted with and to live with bc he is the best of the best. so we searched him in instagram and found how does he look like and what are his hobbies. the main idea is that his mom is the coolest advertiser ever lol. it was very cute and weird at the same time. he is kinda 26-27, but his mom is making him friends in the internet.
back to topic: Dove was very exhausted and wanted to come home as soon as it possible, unfortunatly that's what we did.
some more news: there is a guy at my job (I'll call him Sparrow), he is suggesting to go for a walk with him or to have some coffee after classes, or to go for a lunch together. he said he has a wife and a kid and I stopped to think he is tryin to pick me up, but 3 days ago during the lunchtime I accidantly have heard his conversation with an Owl guy about his divorce.
nothing new. men can be lovers, not friends.
long story short about Nico O.: when we tried to find a new roommate bc of Lora's departure on 11th of April, Dove recieved a message from mom of Nico O. and she was writing things like her son is the best variant for us to get acquainted with and to live with bc he is the best of the best. so we searched him in instagram and found how does he look like and what are his hobbies. the main idea is that his mom is the coolest advertiser ever lol. it was very cute and weird at the same time. he is kinda 26-27, but his mom is making him friends in the internet.
back to topic: Dove was very exhausted and wanted to come home as soon as it possible, unfortunatly that's what we did.
some more news: there is a guy at my job (I'll call him Sparrow), he is suggesting to go for a walk with him or to have some coffee after classes, or to go for a lunch together. he said he has a wife and a kid and I stopped to think he is tryin to pick me up, but 3 days ago during the lunchtime I accidantly have heard his conversation with an Owl guy about his divorce.
nothing new. men can be lovers, not friends.
суббота, 09 апреля 2022
today I saw a nuclear winter in my dream. grey snowflakes were lying down on my hair and in the moment I thought: "my hair is gonna fall out, all of it and I will be bold". then some snowflakes touched my lips and the taste was bitter like citramonum. Remember that thought "I will die in a few days". I saw death and people who didn't understand what is going on and why are the snowflakes grey. they were playing with the grey snow and asking each other why does it have such a weird color. I woke up at 6 o'clock crying.
I don't want to die.
пятница, 08 апреля 2022
huh. I will have had 3 more russian groups by 18th of April.
the main goal now is to make at least 5 presentations for each group (thanks god I already have tought the phonetics aspect, so I have to do less than I would have to do).
the corporate will be next saturday and I think I have to go. maybe it's time to make a new friends here. just chated about videogames with a couple of my collegues, so here ae some people who shares my hobby. great news.
I figured out a simple thing: i can paint without an apple pencil which is still on the way, so I took a pen and try to refresh things that my hands have to remember. unfortunately they remember less than they could.
wrote some messages to my close friend who stopped to talk to me half a year ago. i'm so scared bc he stays in russia and i guess he is literally alone, one by one with his troubles, his job, parents, this war. if I can be nearby even just in messges - so, it's worth it. maybe he would say "I don't wanna know you anymore" and send me to the blacklist but i don't care. just want to do as much as I can. this situation is bigger then all of resentments, anger and jealous. a real friendship is bigger and much more important, especially now.
the main goal now is to make at least 5 presentations for each group (thanks god I already have tought the phonetics aspect, so I have to do less than I would have to do).
the corporate will be next saturday and I think I have to go. maybe it's time to make a new friends here. just chated about videogames with a couple of my collegues, so here ae some people who shares my hobby. great news.
I figured out a simple thing: i can paint without an apple pencil which is still on the way, so I took a pen and try to refresh things that my hands have to remember. unfortunately they remember less than they could.
wrote some messages to my close friend who stopped to talk to me half a year ago. i'm so scared bc he stays in russia and i guess he is literally alone, one by one with his troubles, his job, parents, this war. if I can be nearby even just in messges - so, it's worth it. maybe he would say "I don't wanna know you anymore" and send me to the blacklist but i don't care. just want to do as much as I can. this situation is bigger then all of resentments, anger and jealous. a real friendship is bigger and much more important, especially now.